Something I’ve Been Hiding.

I remember being so excited for my then-husband to get home because then I’d get a break and be able to take a shower but the break never came and rarely did the shower and I'm still not really sure whose fault that was but it doesn't matter now because we’re divorced.

I was in my head about all the things I couldn’t do. 

I couldn't shut off my brain. 

I couldn't sit on my ass.

I couldn’t enjoy it.

And I’d wanted this so badly. 

How could I complain?

I’d lost his brother. 

We had infertility.

And the fucking IVF. 

He was my rainbow baby.

My miracle baby.

He was gonna save me.

And then he was breech.

And my home birth became a c-section.

And I had too many visitors in the hospital.

And I went home exhausted.

And then my baby probably had a tongue tie and we definitely had thrush and my milk supply was low and he was a slow gainer and I had to nurse all the time and my then-husband was always working and it was hard. 

And those first days turned into weeks which turned into months and I just thought this was my life forever and what have I done and I loved him so much and all I wanted was to be with him but I was just so worried all the time. 

On edge. 

Angry. 

Resentful. 

My poor baby.

I know he felt it all.

And I'm sure he internalized it.

And that's probably why he doesn't love himself as much as I want him to. 

Need him to. 

Yet, anyway.

We're working on it.