Are You Unknowingly Sabotaging Your Fourth Trimester? Understanding the Dangers of Maternal Gatekeeping

What I'm going to say here might get your hair up, but here it is anyway –  sometimes women are partly to blame for our own negative experiences during the fourth trimester.

Hear me out – 

In the majority of parenting relationships, most of the mental, physical, and emotional load of building a life falls on one of the parents – most often the mother.

And dudes get a bad rap for this because, in many relationships, the male partner does inherently believe that it's the woman's job to raise the kids and do the care work. But I’m not talking about those folks here. I’m talking to those of you in a relationship that you believe is egalitarian… those of you who are in a relationship with a progressive partner who doesn’t proclaim that a woman’s work is in the home or that she should be barefoot and pregnant. In other words, trad wives, I’m not talking to you.

And before I lose everyone, let me be clear –  I did this. I messed up. And now I’m divorced. So don’t be like me. Learn from my mistakes.

Seriously, I wasn’t aware that I was doing it. Before I became a mom, I had a partner – a teammate. He was an all-in, fully invested partner, and literally, if he could have breastfed, he would have. He wasn't the kind of guy who thought that it was the woman's job to raise the baby.  

But subconsciously from the very beginning, I shut him out. I unknowingly sabotaged my fourth trimester, and in the end, my marriage, my kids’ childhood, and my life plan.

I was a maternal gatekeeper.

Maternal gatekeeping is the thing that some women do in order to maintain control over parenting tasks and decisions. It's the behaviors, attitudes, and beliefs that can cause a huge divide in not only responsibility but also connection. 

While maternal gatekeeping usually stems from a desire to protect and nurture our babies, it can unintentionally put up a wall that keeps the other parent from actively participating in the parenting role. It usually expands to include household management, too. So what happens with many women is that they find themselves in this CEO/management position where their partner is more like an employee than a partner. It’s like we give ourselves this promotion and completely usurp the power, and then we're mad when the dudes don't participate. But we've subconsciously told them from the beginning that this isn't their role, they don't do it right, they don't know what they're doing, they're not capable, it's easier if I just do it, etc. etc.

So why do we do it?

For one thing, we've grown up with archaic gender roles being shoved in our faces – we saw it on TV growing up, in movies, and in our own homes. We played with Barbie Dolls and toy kitchens, while our brothers played with trucks and mud. This idea that child care and household labor are women’s work is deeply ingrained in us – cultural norms like this affect even the most hardcore feminist badasses and can influence our beliefs about roles and responsibilities. It’s hard to let go of control when you believe in your gut that you’re just better at it. 

And as women, we place so much value on this as a role we are meant to play that there's this deep-seated fear of judgment. Mothers feel the pressure to rise up to society's standards and expectations of being the perfect mom and the fear of being judged or criticized as if we're not doing it right can lead to this tendency to micromanage all of the tasks that are involved in parenting and home management. So much value is placed on mothering that when our self-worth is tied so deeply to this concept of being the perfect mom, we might inadvertently sideline our partner, you might bench him, without even realizing what we're doing,  but we're just so afraid of this idea that we’ll be judged, so we have to take control of the situation to make sure it's done to our standards. (Hint – no matter what you do you will be judged by someone, so it’s best to work on letting that one go asap.)

The other thing is that a lot of us have no idea what we're doing when we bring our babies home; we have this underlying lack of confidence… we doubt our own abilities to do this parenting thing because we haven't really seen it in action… everybody's parenting behind closed doors. So when we start off, we're rookies; we're totally new at this game, and we have no idea what we're doing.  So if we doubt our own abilities then of course we’re gonna doubt our partner’s skills. And even though you are more than likely just grasping for straws at this point, you know that you’ve at least done some reading and some preparation, so you feel like at least you know a little bit more than he does. So basically what’s happening is that you don't have confidence in yourself and you don't have confidence in your partner. You have this overriding need to have things done right –  and while you probably have this lack of confidence in yourself, you have even less confidence in him because of societal messaging, from personal experiences, or because you have a need for control and predictability in your life.

Why is it bad?

Maternal gatekeeping not only affects the non-gatekeeping partner, but it also has major consequences for you, as the gatekeeping mother.

 First, the non-gatekeeping partner is going to feel excluded, undervalued, and incompetent which is going to put a strain on your relationship and cause your partner to build some resentment. And then that dynamic will create emotional distance between you two and hinder the development of a strong co-parenting bond. For this reason alone, it’s not surprising to learn that in the first three years after a baby is born, 2 out of 3 new parent essay their relationship satisfaction tanked.  When one parent is fully engaged and the other has been shut out, resentment feels that void in between.

We hear all the time about moms who are drowning in motherhood – part of the reason for this is that gatekeeping results in mothers shouldering the majority of the parenting responsibilities, which leads to exhaustion burnout, and decreased overall well-being.  Maternal gatekeeping perpetuates the myth that mothers are the ones who are responsible for childcare which then reinforces societal gender inequalities, and on and on. You see what's happening here – it's a neverending cycle.

So now the non-keeping partner, who's been excluded from active parenting participation, has missed out on valuable opportunities for personal growth, skill development, and bonding with their child. Maternal gatekeeping limits the non-gatekeeping partner's ability to fully engage in the joys and challenges of parenthood. It robs them of the daily grind –  the day-in and day-out stuff – that's what the bond between the parent and child is based on. That's why when kids get hurt they run to Mom; when kids are sick, they want their Mom; when kids have a nightmare, they call for Mom – because from the very beginning, you sent the message that you're better at it. You haven't let go of the reins, so he hasn't had the opportunity to be there. The real bond between parent and child is built in those small moments that you've basically stolen from your partner. Now I know that you didn't do it on purpose; you didn't mean to cause this divide; you didn't mean to cause this rift.  But again, because of this deeply ingrained messaging from society – this belief that women are just better at these things, the narrative of the “perfect mom”, and this desire to do it “right”, that's what's happened.

What then, Tiff? What do we do? How do we avoid doing this gatekeeping thing?

Overcoming maternal gatekeeping requires a conscious effort –  it requires open communication, it requires you to be brave, it requires you to admit that, yes you might have been sucked into the patriarchy – even as a hardcore feminist badass woman – you still may have these qualities. And it’s tricky because all of this could be latently hanging out in your psyche and not show itself until after your baby arrives, while you're in the trenches of new motherhood. But I’m telling you – if you’re committed to keeping your relationship strong, maintaining a sex life, and enjoying motherhood to the fullest, you must commit to doing this work. 

Here's the deal – here's what you're gonna do to avoid doing it:

1. The first step is awareness. Dig deep… you need to take a hard look at yourself… get introspective. Reflect on your beliefs, biases, and parenting expectations. Openly discuss these perceptions so you can identify any underlying assumptions that would contribute to gatekeeping behavior. 

2. Improve your communication skills. Maintain an open dialogue and establish trust so that you both feel safe to express your needs, beliefs, and desires. Have discussions about parenting goals, responsibilities, and decision-making. Create your family mission statement and identify your parenting style. Talk about all of this beforehand. Be receptive to your partner's input and perspectives. Value their unique contributions to parenting. They want to be involved, and you need to let them.

3. Be a team. Make a conscious effort to make decisions as a team especially if one of you will return to work before the other. No one gets to just say, “Whatever you want, babe, I support your decisions.” Empower your partner to take on tasks and make choices, don't micromanage, and trust that they have their child's best interest at heart… allow them the space to learn and grow as a parent alongside you. This is what teamwork looks like. 

4. Encourage them to participate. Actively encourage support, and actively encourage your partner’s involvement in the parenting tasks. Share the responsibilities, take turns, and create opportunities for bonding between your partner and your baby–  share the love.

5. Build confidence in your partner. If you're the one who's home and they go back to work, they're not around as much so they need time and they might need your guidance. Offer encouragement and positive reinforcement. Build their confidence, acknowledge their efforts, and highlight their successes. This is a learning experience for both of you. You were not born with this knowledge – you learned it, and they can, too. Remember that everyone benefits when both of you feel empowered and capable, including your kids.

6. Be flexible and adaptable. There are different ways to care for your child and no “right” way exists. Appreciate the strengths and styles that your partner brings to the table – you partnered with this person and made a baby with this person for a reason. Be open to learning from one another, be open to learning together. You're not the expert –  you've just been socialized to believe that you are and to believe that you were born with this knowledge… but you weren't – you learned it. And he can learn, too. 

7. Share responsibilities equally. Establish a fair division of parenting responsibilities right from the get-go – create a shared parenting schedule that allows each of you to have time to bond one-on-one with your baby. 

8. Lead by example. As the gatekeeping partner, pay attention to how you act and to the messages that you might be sending subliminally through your behaviors. Make a conscious effort to show your partner that you trust them and that you have confidence in them. And if you don't trust them and have confidence in them, then that's a conversation you need to have. 

Everyone is capable of learning how to parent. Everyone is capable of learning how to care for and manage a home. Everyone can change diapers, soothe babies, and rock babies to sleep in the middle of the night (even when they have to wake up and go to work). Relinquish control.  Let them participate. Allow them the space to grow and develop their own parenting style. You will be so much happier in the long run. I promise you.

Maternal gatekeeping can unintentionally hinder the equal distribution of parenting roles and responsibilities, but by implementing strategies to foster equality and shared parenting, you will create a more harmonious and fulfilling parenting dynamic. Embracing open communication, trust, and mutual support allows both partners to thrive as active and engaged parents, ultimately benefiting the well-being and development of the child. 

If you’re getting ready to do the parenting thing and want to be fully prepared to tackle any challenges that may come your way, let’s hang out! My coaching program is specifically designed for expecting parents like you who want to be proactive and set themselves up for success. I'll teach you all the tips, tricks, and strategies to confidently navigate the postpartum phase and avoid the common pitfalls that can make life more challenging. So, if you're ready to step into parenthood fully equipped and armed with knowledge, click here to book a call, and let's make sure you have the smoothest and most enjoyable transition to motherhood experience possible.