The Narrative of the Perfect Mom

Motherhood. It can be such a mindfuck.

And I don’t know about you but I’ve just about had it with the unrealistic expectations and harmful narratives that have us beating ourselves up on the regular. From the pressure to be the "perfect mom" to constantly feelings comparing ourselves to what we see on social media, these narratives can leave us feeling like absolute shit.

So much of motherhood is about mindset. And believe me, I’m never gonna tell you to look at the bright side and to appreciate what you have, but what I will say is that so many of the struggles we face feed on our resistance to the now. When we shift our perspective, we literally have the power to change our experience.

One of my favorite quotes by the Dalai Lama (and yes, I’m still feeling the ick from that strange comment he made to that kid) is a mantra I repeat to myself whenever I’m beginning to stress out about something that’s out of my control —

“If a problem is fixable, if a situation is such that you can do something about it, then there is no need to worry. If it's not fixable, then there is no help in worrying. There is no benefit in worrying whatsoever.”

I paraphrase it though, because there are way too many words for my neurodivergent brain to remember — I simply say, “If I can do something about it, why worry? If I can do nothing about it, why worry?”

My point is that especially for us control-freaky types, motherhood can be HARD. And lots of the biggest challenges stem from the way you CHOOSE to view your experiences. In some cases, giving in to the now is your best and only option. Baby isn’t falling asleep and you need to get stuff done? You have two choices — you can get frustrated and upset, or you can give in and accept. It’s mindset.

And I’m not saying it’s easy. I get it. When I was a new mom, I was just beginning to heal my inner wounds, and moments like these would throw me into a tailspin. I’d get frustrated and anxious and my stress would bleed into my baby who would then be even more resistant to sleep and the cycle just repeated over and over and over.

Because all I could think about was “I need to get stuff done”, which is another toxic narrative in and of itself, that I’ll definitely address at a later date. But for today lemme just say that when it comes to these bullshit narratives that our society has bestowed upon you, you absolutely have the choice to stick your middle finger up and look the bullshit right in the eye and say, “Not today, people. Not today.”

There’s no one right way to be a mom. And if you’ve been a victim of one (or all) of these toxic narratives, it’s not your fault.

These mindsets are pervasive in our culture and the messages we’re sent are purposeful. It’s just another way that the patriarchy attempts to keep us in struggle so that we don’t rise up and make good trouble.

I’ve been thinking a lot lately about the unrealistic expectations and toxic narratives that I unconsciously bought into as a new mom. And I want to talk about them so that you don’t fall into the same traps that I did.

There are a bunch of them so this is the first in a series. Be sure to stay tuned for the others.

Toxic Narrative #1 — "The Perfect Mother"

We live in a world of, “No one is perfect.” But I’m gonna say something that doesn’t get said enough. We are all perfect.

And that includes you. You are perfect. Therefore, you are the perfect mother. You don’t have to try. You don’t have to perform. You just are.

My mind was opened to this concept decades ago in my yoga teacher training. We were taught that we are all perfect beings and we’re all doing the best we can in each and every moment, even when we fuck up royally we’re still doing our best, thus, we are perfect. (Okay, my teacher is an angel on earth and doesn’t drop f-bombs — that’s me paraphrasing.)

We are all exactly where we need to be in this very moment, behaving exactly as we are meant to behave in this very moment so that we can learn the exact lessons we need to learn in this very moment. Your baby chose you for a reason. You both have lessons you need to learn from each other.

We're bombarded with images of moms who seem to effortlessly do it all— images of what society wants us to see as “the perfect mom”.

But there’s no one right way to be a mom. The only right way is the way that feels right to you. There’s no one else on the planet who has had your experiences and learned your unique life lessons. And your baby is unlike any other baby on the planet.

I mean I get it. As humans, you have this basic need to fit in — it’s a survival mechanism. So you see the way everyone else is doing it and you naturally compare yourself. But what I want you to learn is to tap into your inner knowing, into your mom gut, and do your thing. Without judgment. Without comparison. Without feeling like you are not enough.

You are enough. And you are doing a great job. Your baby is lucky to have you as their mom.

Here’s a story for you… from when my baby was about a month old.

A friend had just had her second baby and she invited me over so our babies could meet.

I had maybe taken a 30-second shower while my baby screamed in the bouncy seat that morning. I definitely hadn’t eaten breakfast. I didn’t fit in my clothes. And was trying to figure out how to function on no sleep. I looked and felt like garbage. I spent my days and nights with a baby attached to my boob, and when he wasn’t attached, he was crying and I was bouncing, patting, and shushing.

My baby hated the car seat and cried the whole way to my friend’s house. When I knocked on her door, I was flustered, overwhelmed, and to be honest, embarrassed at my lack of ability to be this baby’s mom.

She opened the door and looked AMAZING. Her hair and makeup were done. She looked like she’d never been pregnant — she was wearing heels. Her house smelled of candles and brownies. Yes, she had baked brownies. Her baby was soundly asleep in the pack-and-play.

But instead of seeing how beautiful and happy she looked, I saw the disgusting reflection of myself looking back at me. The pathetic loser of a mom who just couldn’t seem to get it together the way everyone else could.

I hated my life. I felt so inadequate.

I was a new mom. I was learning to breastfeed. I was tired. And I was lonely. My life had literally been flipped upside down and I wasn’t ready for it. A month before, I spent my days teaching 6th graders about the history of the world and attending prenatal yoga classes, and now I couldn’t manage to run a brush through my hair.

I was new to the world. The woman I was just a month before would never be back. I was trying to embrace it, but deep down I was in full resistance mode.

(The struggle lies in the resistance.)

What I saw that day was my friend — the “perfect” mom — who didn’t seem to be struggling at all.

Her need to appear as the perfect mom was harmful and hurtful. She didn’t do it on purpose, of course, but her desire to fit the narrative took me and my insecure new-mom self down a few notches that day. And I won’t ever forget how it felt.

I look forward to the day when every mother feels safe and empowered to proudly wave her struggle flag, finding strength and solidarity in the company of moms everywhere.

Today, that once crying-all-the-time baby is a teenager and he’s still teaching me lessons. I look back at those first weeks and months and can still feel the self-doubt and uncertainty. But today, I’m on a mission to ensure you don't have to make the same mistakes I did.

If you're hoping for a postpartum experience filled with confidence and calm, check out my Anxiety-Free Postpartum coaching and education program. This is a revolutionary new program that’s flipping the narrative about postpartum education and preparation. When you work with me, we'll join forces to navigate all of those new-mom challenges, prioritize real self-care, and foster a mindset that empowers you to do more than just survive the fourth trimester — you’ll be ready with the tools and mindset you need to thrive throughout motherhood.

You don't have to tackle this on your own.

And you can be more prepared for motherhood.

Let's rewrite the narrative of motherhood together.

Perfect Mom Affirmations:

"I release the need to be a perfect mother and I embrace my authentic self.”

“I am already the perfect mom for my baby.”

“I'm doing my best, and that's more than enough.”

“My baby chose me for a reason. We have lessons to learn together.”

“I deserve love, understanding, and kindness."