Protect Your Mental Health as a New Mom by Learning to Set and Hold Boundaries
I was shit at creating boundaries when I first became a mom. Hell, I don’t think I had even heard the term “set boundaries” until my kids were already elementary age. Looking back, I see how my lack of boundary-setting skills caused me so much unnecessary stress when my babies were little.
Creating and enforcing boundaries teaches others how to treat us. Boundaries make it clear what we are willing to tolerate, what actions we will take if our boundaries are crossed, and what outcomes we expect. It is crucial to communicate boundaries clearly and keep them simple without providing unnecessary explanations or justifications. Use your voice, take up space, and stick to the topic at hand, and if someone tries to derail the conversation, gently steer it back on track.
It’s so important to remember that you can only control your intentions, not the way people react to your boundary-setting. Also, be prepared because typically those who are most likely to violate your boundaries are often the most upset when we set them. That’s because they are benefiting in some way by crossing your boundaries. These "boundary violators" must be dealt with quickly and swiftly, much like ripping off a bandage.
Certain topics, such as sleep, nursing on demand, wearing shoes in the house, touching or holding the baby, discipline, and what foods to give the baby, may require clear boundaries.
As a parent doing things differently than what is considered “normal” or what you were taught, your loved ones (parents, especially) may take it personally. It’s super important to communicate that you appreciate and love them and that your choices are not a judgment of their parenting skills. You are simply choosing to take a different approach.
Remember, they had their chance to raise their own kids, and now it's your turn. You’re just doing what aligns with your own personal values and beliefs, and hoping to do it with fewer mistakes. Anyone who loves you should be proud of you for that.
To get you started, here are some tips to help you communicate your boundaries:
Use "I" statements: Use "I" statements to describe your feelings and needs. For example, "I need some alone time" or "I feel uncomfortable when you speak to me like that."
Set consequences: Set clear consequences for when someone crosses your boundaries. This lets them know that you mean business and will take action if necessary.
Don’t back down: Sticking to your boundaries and not compromising them is important. If you make exceptions, people will not take them seriously.
Communicate with respect: Communicate your boundaries respectfully and avoid using accusatory language or attacking the other person. This will only make the situation worse.
Practice assertiveness: Be assertive when communicating your boundaries. This means standing up for yourself and your needs while still respecting the other person.
Listen: It is also important to listen to the other person's point of view and try to understand where they are coming from. This will help create a more collaborative conversation.
Seek support: If you have difficulty communicating your boundaries, seek support from a trusted friend or professional. They can help you find the right words and give you the confidence to stand up for yourself.
Keep it simple: When setting boundaries, it's important to keep them simple and clear. This ensures that others understand what you are asking for and what your limits are. A simple boundary statement is more likely to be remembered and respected than a complicated one that may confuse or overwhelm others.
Do not justify: While it can be tempting to provide research or a lengthy explanation or justification for your boundaries, this is not necessary. Remember that your boundaries are valid simply because they are important to you, and you do not need to justify them to others. Providing too much justification or reasoning can open up the conversation for debate, and may ultimately weaken the effectiveness of your boundaries.
Use sandwich statements: When communicating your boundaries, using a "sandwich" approach can be helpful in making the conversation less confrontational. Start and end with a positive or appreciative comment, and then state your boundary in the middle. This can help the other person feel valued and heard while clearly stating your needs and expectations. For example, you might say "I really appreciate your willingness to help out, but I need to let you know that I'm not comfortable with you dropping by unannounced. It would mean a lot to me if you could give me a heads-up before you come over."
It can be helpful to literally write down a list of things you’ll say when someone has crossed a boundary or offers unsolicited advice, which is really just boundary-crossing in disguise. (You can read more about my thoughts about unsolicited advice here.)
If you feel uncomfortable asserting your boundaries, practice in front of a mirror, and when you’re ready, move on to practicing with strangers and acquaintances, before tackling the big dogs like parents and close friends.
I’ve jotted down a list of one-liners that can help you set boundaries during your fourth trimester and beyond. These one-liners, along with a note that tells your visitors how they can support you during their visits, are included in my free guide, "Thriving Through the Fourth: A Holistic Guide for Postpartum Well-Being." You can download this guide below when you join my email list.
