I’m Sorry But I Loathe Mother’s Day

I hate it. Absolutely hate it.

I’m sorry to say it, especially because I work with new moms and most of you who are reading these blog posts of mine are probably not jaded yet by the day. I really do want to celebrate with you, but I'm still so stuck in my own struggle.

I mean there are reasons why I hate this day so much.

My first Mother's Day was in 2009, and I was still deeply grieving the loss of my first baby. I can still feel the sting of every time someone said "Happy Mother's Day" or every social media post I saw - it brought out this horrible demon inside of me. I was full of rage and pain, and I was just so angry that other people were able to celebrate this day and be happy.

The next year, I was fresh off of a round of IVF. I still had bruises and, sure, I was pregnant by this time, but any of you who have had a rainbow baby understand that a pregnancy after a loss can be more scary than exciting. By my next Mother's Day, my baby was about 7 months old and had just started to come out of his constant state of crying and screaming, but I was absolutely on edge. I hadn't had any time to myself since he was born and was really struggling with anxiety, although it was undiagnosed, so I really just thought I was an angry person.

The next time Mother's Day came around, things had settled down a bit. I was in a bit of a groove. But when I woke up that Mother’s Day, it was just like any other day. No one made it special for me - my ex-husband maybe got me a card, but I'm not sure, I don't remember. But I do remember being disappointed. And year after year, it was the same thing - just more disappointment.

At some point, I just started professing that I hate Mother's Day and asking if we could please ignore the day altogether, which I thought might solve the problem. But as you know, there's no way to ignore it. And even now, being divorced with kids who are 13 and 8, I know I'm not getting anything. I know this day won't be special, and I know nothing will be different, but I still woke up this morning with a tiny bit of hope, and so, once again, I’m disappointed.

Now, on top of all this, I am a birth worker, so I'm surrounded by new moms. I'm surrounded by other people who work with new moms, and so there's a lot of joy and celebration, and I just feel like a real piece of shit because I can't bring myself to celebrate. I can't even bring myself to respond to the Mother's Day texts half the time, and if I do, it's half-heartedly.

This is not who I am. I want to be happy. I want to celebrate this day, but it's just so hard. So hard. I just wish I could go hide in a hole every Mother's Day and pretend it's not happening.

So I’m writing this as a little bit of self-love and to send love to all of you who can’t wait for this day to end. You aren’t alone. I know that doesn’t make it any easier, but sometimes it helps just knowing that it’s not just you.