Neurodivergent Motherhood Unveiled
I thought I was prepared for motherhood. I also thought I was at least kinda normal. 🤣
I mean I never felt normal. I never felt like I fit anywhere. But seriously, after a traumatic second trimester loss and then the challenges of infertility. I was READY for motherhood.
I was a teacher, FFS. I had lots of experience with babies and kids. I was a grown-ass adult, my partner and I were a great team, and I researched the shit out of everything. How could I not be ready?
I found out quickly that I was not at all ready.
No one warned me that my “quirky personality,” coupled with my life experiences of loss and infertility, might make my postpartum experience a bit more challenging than I’d imagined.
I mean, I thought I had my shit together. I really did. I’d spent a lifetime perfecting my perfectionism and controlling every possible variable of my life so that it appeared that I had my shit together.
From the outside, I definitely looked like I had my shit together.
I had no idea, though, that so many of my personality traits put me at risk for PMADs, and without warning or proper support, I ended up struggling with undiagnosed Postpartum Anxiety – for over 3 years.
And it wasn’t until my babies were 14 and 9 that I learned I’m ADHD and autistic.
Understanding ADHD and Autism in Moms
Recent research indicates that neurodivergent women face a significantly higher risk, up to six times more, of getting hit with a Perinatal Mood or Anxiety Disorder (PMAD). Other research suggests that up to 75% of women living with ADHD and or autism don’t even know it yet. Most of us just power through and wonder why everything feels so much harder for us than it does for others.
But you don’t have to be a statistic. There are steps you can take to avoid postpartum anxiety and depression.
Let's look at some Neurodivergent traits and how they can impact your experience as a mom.
ADHD and Autism: The Basics
ADHD and autism represent distinct neurotypes, each with its own set of strengths and challenges. Many neurodivergent individuals, including ADHDers and autistics, face difficulties with mental health due to living in a world designed for neurotypical minds. The societal structures, expectations, and communication norms often clash with the way neurodivergent folx naturally process information and interact with the world, which often leads to feelings of alienation, stress, and anxiety, and sometimes to postpartum anxiety and depression.
As a new mom, understanding and accepting your unique way of thinking can help you figure out how to handle tough situations and appreciate the your individual way of thinking. It can help you, as I say, Mom As You Are.
General Signs of ADHD and Autism in Adults
ADHD in Adults
Inattention
Difficulty focusing on tasks, especially ones that require sustained mental effort.
Forgetfulness in daily activities, like missing appointments or losing things.
Disorganization in managing household tasks or personal schedules.
Hyperactivity
Feeling restless and fidgety, even when expected to stay calm.
Talking excessively or interrupting conversations.
Difficulty sitting still during quiet activities, like reading bedtime stories.
Impulsivity
Making quick decisions without considering the consequences.
Frequent changes in your baby’s routine.
Making impulsive purchases for baby gear, clothes, or toys that weren’t part of a planned budget or list.
Autism in Adults
Social Communication
Struggling to maintain eye contact or interpret body language.
Finding it hard to start or maintain a conversation.
Preferring to communicate in writing rather than verbally.
Repetitive Behaviors
Strong preference for routines and getting upset by changes.
Repetitively seeking confirmation by asking the same questions to multiple people.
Researching extensively all things pregnancy, birth, and baby.
Sensory Sensitivities
Being overly sensitive to sounds, lights, textures, or smells.
Feeling overwhelmed in busy or noisy environments.
Needing more time to recover from sensory overload.
“But you don’t look autistic!”
Masking in Adults
Masking, also referred to as camoflauging, is something that neurodivergent folx often do whenever they’re around humans. Masking is when you modify or conceal certain aspects of yourself in an attempt to “fit in.”
For example, an ADHDer might constantly interrupt others in conversations, but try to restrain themselves in social settings to appear more attentive and polite. Or an autistic person may have strong sensory sensitivities but actively hold back their reactions to things like loud noises or bright lights, in an effort to not appear “extra.”
People with ADHD and autism may engage in masking to avoid standing out or to cope with social expectations that feel overwhelming or confusing. However, this coping mechanism can take a toll, especially for new moms.
The additional work of masking can exacerbate feelings of exhaustion and disconnection, especially when parenting a newborn. It can feel like a balancing act between meeting societal standards and preserving your own mental and emotional well-being.
Specific Signs in Pregnant and Postpartum Moms
Emotional Regulation
Pregnancy and postpartum can affect emotional stability for all moms,but it’s especially tricky for neurodivergent moms. We might experience heightened anxiety or depression, and find it challenging to manage these emotions. Especially when we’ve done such a great job masking pre-baby because in addition to learning motherhood, now we find ourselves learning to be human in a way we haven’t yet mastered. Simple tasks can feel overwhelming, which can lead to stress, emotional outbursts, and even resentment.
Executive Function Challenges
Managing pregnancy and a new baby requires planning and organization. Moms with ADHD or autism often struggle with creating and following schedules, keeping track of baby supplies, or managing medical appointments. Or they might be so particular about things like specific nap times and feeding schedules as a form of trying to gain some sort of control over this new situation.
Sensory Overload
Sensory sensitivities can become more pronounced during pregnancy and postpartum. You might find yourself more sensitive to the baby's cries, the feel of certain baby clothes, or the smell of baby products. These heightened sensitivities can make everyday tasks feel exhausting and stressful.
Diagnosis and Support
Steps to Take
Online assessments
Online assessments can serve as a helpful initial screening tool to identify potential neurodivergent traits.
Completing online assessments can help you better understand yourself and your unique experiences.
Talk to Your Healthcare Provider
Start the conversation with your doctor or a mental health professional. Explain your concerns and why you think ADHD or autism might be a factor.
If you don’t find the answers you’re searching for from your provider, seek out a neuroaffirming practitioner.
Diagnostic Process
Be prepared for a thorough evaluation, which might include questionnaires, interviews, and possibly referrals to specialists. The process can be lengthy but is importantfor accurate diagnosis.
If obtaining an official diagnosis is not possible, remember that self-diagnosis is a valid approach.
Support and Resources
Therapy and Counseling
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) can be effective for managing symptoms of ADHD and autism. Therapists and coaches can help develop coping strategies tailored to your needs.
Support Groups
Joining support groups, either in person or online, can provide a sense of community and shared understanding. Connecting with other neurodivergent moms can offer valuable insights and emotional support.
Preparing for Postpartum with ADHD or Autism
Building a Support System
A strong support network is so important. Lean on family and friends for help. Learn to set boundaries and delegate tasks. Clear communication about your needs and limits can help others support you effectively.
Tools and Strategies
Managing Sensory Overload
Create a sensory-friendly environment by using noise-canceling headphones or ear buds, wearing comfortable clothing, and minimizing exposure to overwhelming stimuli.
Executive Function Tools
Use planners, apps, and reminders to keep track of tasks and appointments. Breaking tasks into smaller, manageable steps can also help.
Self-Care
Self-care is essential for managing ADHD or autism. Incorporate simple self-care routines into your day, like taking short breaks, practicing mindfulness, or engaging in a hobby you love. Remember, self-care isn't selfish—it's necessary for your well-being and ability to care for your baby.
Recognizing the signs of ADHD or autism in yourself can be the first step toward a more manageable and enjoyable motherhood experience. Understanding your individual needs allows you to find the right support and create strategies to help you manage, and possibly even thrive, as a mom.
Stick Around!
If this resonates, join me for the weekly support group I’m hosting for neurodivergent and anxiety-prone moms. We’re real, we’re raw, and we’re here for each other.
Click the button below for info.
