Recognizing and Understanding Postpartum Rage
Most soon-to-be moms imagine the transition to motherhood as an exciting time filled with sweet baby sounds, cuddles, and snuggles. Unfortunately, expectations don’t always align with reality. As a new mom, you might find yourself dealing with an unexpected surge in anger and irritability. It may lead you to question your “good mom” status. But it’s important to understand that "postpartum rage," is not only a symptom of postpartum mood and anxiety disorders, it also serves as an indicator that you need more support.
Understanding Postpartum Rage:
So, what exactly is postpartum rage? It's a mood disruption that unleashes intense anger, aggression, and agitation in the weeks and months following childbirth. If you’re experiencing postpartum rage you might feel constantly frustrated and overwhelmed, as if you are always on the verge of a meltdown. You may feel agitated with your partner, sometimes to the point of wondering why you ever loved them in the first place. You may lose your temper or yell more frequently than before giving birth – you might even find herself yelling at your pets, or even your baby.
Postpartum Rage and Mental Health:
While postpartum rage commonly shows up with postpartum depression or anxiety, it is a clear sign that you are feeling overwhelmed and undersupported. The abrupt shift in roles, unpreparedness for the realities of postpartum life, increased demands on time, and societal expectations can create an enormous amount of stress. Striving to meet the societal standards of being a perfect partner, mother, employee, friend, and family member, all while recovering from pregnancy and childbirth and dealing with intense sleep deprivation, can be an isolating experience. New moms are often left home alone with their new baby with very little support – so much so that they literally have to figure out everything and remember everything on their own. Postpartum rage, therefore, is not just a symptom but a response to an overwhelming increase in responsibilities without adequate support.
Dodging the Rage Bullet:
Me Time, ASAP:
Self-Care:
Self-care is not selfish. It’s survival. Get some sleep, do things you enjoy, and force yourself to ask for help.
Communicate:
Engage in open conversations with your partner, laying out your expectations, and being transparent about your feelings. Parenthood is a tag team effort, and your partner must be fully involved in the parenting process when they aren't on the clock at their paid job. Picture it like this – you both have two full-time jobs. When your partner is at their paid job, consider that you’re at your day job. And when they're back home, the parenting workload is shared equitably (check out the Fair Play documentary on Hulu for more about this). And then make sure that you both get some downtime daily, even if it’s just 20 minutes at a time in the beginning.
Education:
Parenting classes aren't just for learning how to swaddle (or at least they shouldn’t be). Many of us today aren’t parenting the way that we were parented, so we’re learning on the fly and trying to figure it all out on our own while being bombarded with messages from society about how we are “supposed to be” parenting our babies. Make sure that the information you are getting is realistic, and not coming from a “pull yourself up by your bootstraps” mentality.
Build Your Task Force:
Surround yourself with a supportive team. Friends, family, or a support group – whoever gets it, keep them close. If you don’t have people in your life to encourage and support you, it may be time to invest in help. And definitely find groups online where you can get the encouragement you need from people who understand what you;re going through.
When Rage Rears its Head:
Therapy:
If you have the means to access mental health care, IFS (Internal Family Systems) therapy can work wonders. If not, books and podcasts can help you learn to give yourself the love and compassion you need. I recommend anything by Kristin Neff.
Meds, Maybe:
If there's a mood disorder hiding behind the scenes, meds might be on the table. Your healthcare provider can help you decide if meds are right for you. On a personal note, I struggled with postpartum anxiety and rage for years before I finally decided that I needed more than the natural options I’d been exploring. My life turned around immediately. This isn’t to say that medication is the right choice for everyone, but I do encourage you to be open to the option if it becomes necessary. You deserve to enjoy your baby, and your baby needs a healthy mom.
Find your people:
Join a postpartum support group. Sharing stories with others in the same boat can be comforting.
The Bottom Line
Postpartum rage is no joke, and it's okay to admit that you’re struggling with it. Get the support you need. This parenting thing can be wild, and we're all just trying to keep our heads above water. You are not alone.
Stick Around!
If you’re struggling with the guilt of postpartum anxiety and rage, I get it. I’ve been there and I can help. Come hang out with me at my free workshop, “Postpartum Doesn’t Have to Suck!”
Click here to register. It’s free, fun, and you’ll learn stuff!
