Attachment Parenting Dropout

Attachment parenting, a style of parenting developed by Dr. William Sears in the '80s, promotes a close relationship between baby and parent through methods like feeding on demand and co-sleeping. As an API leader, I was hardcore into this approach. But I later realized that most parents, including attachment-style parents, often ignore principle number 8: striving for balance in personal and family life.

A Little About Me

On February 1, 2008, I lost my first baby at 22 weeks into my pregnancy. Finally, after becoming pregnant via IVF after experiencing secondary infertility, I felt anxious and desperate to do everything right. It was so hard to get here, I just didn’t want to mess anything up.

Motherhood shook me in ways I had no idea anything could shake me.

I thought I was prepared. After all, I was a teacher and had worked with kids my entire life. My then husband was also a teacher and he was amazing with kids.

But when our baby arrived, the shit quickly hit the fan and I realized how unprepared for the realities of parenting I truly was.

Mothering Became Something To Strive For

As time went on, even though I was a mother, it became this thing I had to live up to, rather than something I was able to experience in the moment. I focused so much on getting it right that I somehow ended up missing it all. Mothering had somehow become a competition and I had lost myself in the process. Or, more accurately, I had never even known myself in the first place. Through lots of therapy, doing tons of inner child healing work, and finally (after about 7 years of struggling) adding Lexapro to my toolkit, I realized that I needed to find some balance.

I Gave Too Much of Myself

I became a mother for the first time at the age of 36. I was introduced to the concept of attachment parenting during my birth preparation class. This parenting philosophy resonated with me because it emphasizes keeping the baby close, responding to their cries, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing. However, I didn't fully consider how this would work in the real world. While attachment parenting principles do not require parents to be attached to their children all the time, I found myself struggling to balance these principles with the demands of everyday life.

As a result, I was with my baby all the time and felt guilty about even considering leaving him with anyone other than my mother. I realize now that this wasn’t healthy for me or my kiddo, as I neglected my own needs and desires. And I quicly became overwhelmed and resentful of my partner’s freedom.

Looking back, I realize that my attraction to attachment parenting may have been partly due to my previous loss of a child and my need to be the perfect mom. After all, I still blamed myself for the loss of my first son, and I felt like I had to get it right this time.

The principles of attachment parenting aligned with my desire to simplify my life and make things easier for myself as a mom.

Attachment Parenting Appeared Easier

I breastfed for many reasons, but initially what drew me to it was the fact that I didn't want to deal with the hassle of preparing and washing bottles. I used baby carriers because I found strollers to be cumbersome and inconvenient. I slept close to my baby because I didn't want to get up and go to another room to nurse during the night. I used baby-led weaning because it was simpler than buying and preparing special baby food. I even tried elimination communication because I didn't want to deal with changing diapers for years on end. These approaches worked for me, and my baby was relatively easy to care for as a result.

But There Was No Balance

Despite the benefits of attachment parenting, I recognize that I didn't find a healthy balance between attachment principles and my own needs as a person. I skipped principle 8, which involves taking care of yourself as a parent. While attachment parenting may work for some, it's important to prioritize self-care and balance as a parent.

Looking back now, I realize that the attachment parenting world is heavily dominated by privileged individuals, mostly middle to upper-class white women. This can create a lot of pressure on those of us who don't have the means to afford expensive items like $75 Bento boxes or Waldorf education. I felt like I needed to do and buy all of these things to be a good mom, even though I couldn't afford it all. It was damaging to my mental health. I even fought against taking medication for my anxiety because it didn't fit with the attachment parenting narrative.

There is a whole list of things you start believing that you’re supposed to do and buy if you want to win the "good" mom award, and looking back on that time in my life, I feel embarrassed and ashamed for putting that kind of energy out into the world.

To clarify, my 9 and 14-year-old children are pretty incredible kids and our relationship is everything I hoped it would be.

And I do credit attachment parenting principles for at least some of that.

Attachment to Attachment Parenting

However, what I didn't realize then was that attachment parenting was taking a toll on me. My attachment to attachment parenting and my lack of balance and self-care ultimately played a role in my experience with postpartum anxiety. I didn’t feel like I was worthy of time to focus on myself or my career. I was the primary caregiver and carrying the full mental load of parenthood by myself, and didn't even realize that I needed help.

Attachment parenting principles can be helpful at the beginning, but many of us never stop trying to abide by these principles, even as our children grow up. For some, motherhood becomes a subconscious competition. What I wish I knew then and what I teach my clients now is to trust your gut, listen to your instincts, and ignore the rest. You can balance the parenting principles that resonate with you with the life you want to live. I can't go back and save myself, but I sure as hell can help others learn from my mistakes.

Tiff Dee (Tiff D’Amico), formerly Tiff Hare, AKA the Placenta Girl has been safely processing placenta since 2012. Tiff has safely processed over 1600 placentas for moms across South Jersey, Central Jersey, the Jersey Shore, Philadelphia, and Delaware. As a triple-certified Placenta Encapsulation Specialist (IPPA, OSHA, and NJ Food Safety) and certified Perinatal Mental Health Specialist through Postpartum Support International, Tiff brings a wealth of expertise to her practice. Beyond placenta encapsulation, she holds certifications as a birth educator, doula, Fair Play Facilitator, and Bringing Baby Home Educator.

A mom of three (two on Earth and one in her heart), Tiff is passionate about the outdoors, identifies as an intersectional feminist, and leans left politically. Her mission on this planet is clear: helping moms avoid Perinatal Mood and Anxiety Disorders. Tiff firmly believes that women struggle postpartum not because they are inadequate, but due to societal pressures in a patriarchal world that expects them to do it all with a smile. Offering a money-back guarantee with her placenta encapsulation services reflects her unwavering confidence in providing you with an anxiety-free postpartum experience.