What is PDA Autism and What Does It Have to Do With Postpartum Anxiety?
My baby is 15. I still carry a lot of guilt about how I reacted to the constant demands he placed on me—needing me to calm him, get him to sleep, change his diaper, nurse him, entertain him. All day long, every day and every night he needed me to do things for him.
Obviously. He was a baby.
But I didn’t like it. It annoyed me. It made me angry. Every single time.
I did it. Obviously. He was my baby. I lived for him.
It was super confusing because I loved him so flippin’ much, and I wanted him so desperately, and everything I did and everything I thought about was for him. My love for him consumed me.
So why did I feel this way?
What is PDA?
Pathological Demand Avoidance, alternatively Pervasive Drive for Autonomy (PDA) is a profile of both autism and ADHD, where any kind of demand—no matter how small—feels like a loss of autonomy. When PDAers are faced with demands that threaten our autonomy, those of us with a PDA profile can experience fight, flight or freeze, which can trigger intense emotional reactions. Our brains are literally wired to feel panic when something is expected of us.
And in postpartum, where demands are endless—we’re constantly in that fight, flight or freeze response mode.
So if you’ve ever yelled at your baby, or body slammed them from one side to the other while night nursing, or lost your shit on the dog you love so much, it makes sense why, right?
You’re living in fight, flight, freeze, so you’re always just a demand away from an explosion.
PDA and Postpartum Anxiety
For moms with PDA, this can quickly lead to postpartum anxiety because the constant demands feel suffocating. Our cortisol levels are always elevated, and it just gets harder and harder to cope with day-to-day life. The hormonal changes, sleepless nights, and emotional ups and downs of postpartum only make it worse. It’s a perfect storm and pushes the brain into a state of panic and overwhelm.
Set Up to Fail
It’s no wonder neurodivergent women are at a greater risk for postpartum anxiety. We’re facing all the demands of new motherhood with a brain that was never given the tools it needed to cope. We’ve spent a lifetime internalizing our challenges —I’m lazy, stupid, a “hot mess,” not enough, too much, weird.
We bury all of this deep inside, and in postpartum, it’s too much to manage. The hormones, the chaos, lack of sleep, the new identity, the constant demands—it breaks us down.
What Happened?
So we have babies and then we wonder, “What happened to me? I used to have my shit together, but now my feet never feel like they touch the ground, I’m living in a fog, walking around like a zombie. I don’t feel like myself. I want to enjoy my baby, I want to enjoy my postpartum, but I can’t.” It’s all too much.
The Impact
My undiagnosed autism and ADHD stole my postpartum. It affected my emotional well-being, it affected my ability to be present with and enjoy my baby, and in turn, it affected my baby.
Looking back, I can see that none of this was my fault. I wasn't a bad mom. I was doing my best in a world that’s not built for my neurodivergent brain, while trying to meet the endless and impossible demands of life as a new mom. The guilt will probably always be there, but I’m learning to give myself grace and compassion.
And I hope you will do the same for yourself. And remember, this is temporary, you are not alone, and you have what it takes to get through this.
If this resonates, join me for the FREE weekly support group I’m hosting for neurodivergent and anxiety-prone moms. We’re real, we’re raw, and we’re here for each other.
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