Could an ADHD Diagnosis Prevent Postpartum Anxiety? I Think So.
Key Takeaways
1. Understanding ADHD Can Reframe Your Struggles
Discovering an ADHD diagnosis, especially later in life, can shift feelings of failure or inadequacy into validation and self-compassion. Many behaviors or challenges—like difficulty sticking to routines, emotional dysregulation, or burnout—are rooted in neurodivergence, not personal shortcomings. This understanding can empower moms to embrace their unique strengths and reframe their parenting journey.
2. ADHD Awareness Helps Break the Cycle of Guilt
Emotional dysregulation, a hallmark of ADHD, can make gentle parenting and managing postpartum especially hard. When moms don't understand their neurodivergence, they can fall into cycles of frustration, self-blame, and burnout. Awareness of ADHD allows moms to use tools, strategies, and self-compassion to manage their emotional capacity and reduce guilt.
3. Diagnosis and Tools Can Prevent Postpartum Anxiety
An ADHD diagnosis brings clarity, strategies, and support systems that can help moms manage the chaos of postpartum life. By creating routines that work for their brain, advocating for their needs, and learning to set boundaries, moms can feel more regulated and prepared, significantly reducing the risk of postpartum anxiety.The Struggle of Feeling "Different"
For most of my life, I had this belief that I was just “a lot for some people” or really, I just thought I was weird. In reality, I spent most of my life feeling like I don’t belong on this planet at all. Maybe I was meant to land somewhere else. Because for my entire life, nothing about the way other people do life has ever made sense to me. I’ve felt misunderstood constantly and spent a lot of energy trying to help people understand me — usually walking away feeling like I failed and replaying the story in my head a bazillion times while I lay awake in bed that night.
Despite being an educator, attending countless 504 and IEP meetings for neurodivergent kids, and recognizing ADHD in my nephew, ex-husband, and kids, it never crossed my mind that I might have ADHD too. It wasn’t until my ex-partner (boyfriend sounds so weird to me at my age) suggested, “Maybe you’re ADHD,” that I thought, Hmm, maybe 🧐.
The ADHD Revelation
So I started digging into everything I could find about adult ADHD, especially in late-diagnosed women. And BOOM, it all clicked. It made sense why, despite my high IQ, I struggled with school, relationships, and basically life, in general. Everything I’d considered "quirks"—like intense focus on my interests, difficulty remembering names or faces, hating authority, perfume, and bras, and burning out from overcommitting—now made sense.
Understanding ADHD as more than just the distracted, hyperactive kid in the classroom was both validating and relieving. Most importantly, it helped me be [usually] be kinder to myself. I don’t [always] see my life as a series of failures anymore. Instead, I now understand that it wasn’t me that was the problem—it’s that my brain just doesn’t align with societal expectations because I have a different kind of brain.
So I guess in a way, I was right, I don’t belong on this planet.
When I began to share my newfound knowledge about my brain with people in my life, all I got back was a bunch of, “Yeah, that tracks.” Which kinda made me feel like I’ve been walking around with food on my face for my whole life and no one told me.
But it feels amazing because suddenly, everything has clicked. I finally understand my struggles with executive functioning—why I could never stick to routines I’d purposely created, but I needed the routines I fell into and I couldn’t (can’t) feel regulated without them.
Now I get why I could read entire books and watch movies without remembering the main character's name (unless it was a Star Wars character, of course). ADHD also explains why I have five barely written-in baby books stashed in my attic or why an afternoon of small talk at the swim club would leave me exhausted to the point of needing a drink. SIDENOTE: Being a mom and the lack of choice in how I spent my time—attending kids' birthday parties, playdates, sporting events, and all the things—led me to develop a pretty bad drinking habit. Thankfully, I've since broken that habit, but it wasn't easy. And I wasn’t able to do it until I finally had my ADHD medication figured out.
Seeing other moms post pictures of birthday traditions, like cinnamon rolls shaped into the age of their kids, would make me feel like sh*t. I wanted that. I wanted traditions, but I couldn’t seem to make them happen. I beat myself up for it; I wasn’t sure what I was doing wrong. As a new mom, seeing everyone else effortlessly juggle these traditions and crafts with their kids made me feel like that kid at a pool party who couldn’t swim.
That's how I’ve felt most of my life—pretending I could swim when I didn't even realize I was pretending. It’s like I’d been gaslighting myself.
What really felt good though was when I realized my relationship struggles could all be traced back to emotional dysregulation. For years, I thought I just "couldn’t be vulnerable"—shout-out to those therapists who took my cash and let me believe that was the issue. When I mentioned to a former therapist that I might be ADHD or autistic, she brushed it off, saying something like, “Oh, I don’t see any neurodivergence in you... everyone’s getting diagnosed on TikTok these days.” Turns out, TikTok was right. And honestly, TikTok has been more helpful than any therapist ever was.
And now I fully understand why I ended up struggling with postpartum anxiety.
It changed my perspective on my past. It changed my present.
Now that I’m armed with the knowledge of my ADHD, I can see, laugh at, and love the parts of myself I’d spent years suppressing. The neurodivergent traits I once saw as flaws are now my strengths because I’ve set up my lifeto work for me. I’ve learned to advocate for myself, set boundaries, and use tools to manage the obstacles that once made everything feel so stressful.
This journey of self-discovery hasn’t been easy, but it’s been absolutely worth it.
And I’m not alone. So many women—especially moms—have struggled, are struggling, and will continue to struggle in silence. That realization lit a fire inside of me and the teacher in me was like, “Hey, Tiff. Get to work.” I felt compelled to use my experiences to help other moms identify, understand and embrace their neurodivergence, so they can create a life where they no longer feel "broken" or "less than."
Many ADHD moms fall into the Type A, controlling, perfectionist mold. We’ve been conditioned to see our neurodivergence as a flaw, so we do everything in our power to mask it. We manage to keep our heads above water and appear “normal” because we work so damn hard to do so. It’s f*cking exhausting.
And when we become mothers, everything suddenly feels way harder. We look around and wonder why motherhood looks so much easier for everyone else.
The Parenting Struggle for ADHD Moms
Many of us gravitate toward gentle parenting strategies because we want to raise emotionally healthy kids who won’t need years of therapy to unpack their childhoods like their moms do (Hi… it’s me!). But gentle parenting can be uniquely challenging for moms with undiagnosed ADHD.
Emotional Regulation Struggles
Emotional regulation is one of the biggest hurdles for ADHD moms. It’s a tricky balancing act when our babies are crying for hours on end or won’t sleep anywhere but on us, and we're already teetering on the edge of our own emotional capacity. Staying calm and knowing the right thing to do feels impossible if we’re unregulated ourselves. This challenge is huge during the postpartum period, where we’re dealing with exhaustion, sensory overload, and a constantly shifting routine. We’re battling our own internal chaos while trying to manage to keep a tiny human alive, which can leave us feeling like failures on the gentle parenting department.
Research from Dr. Russell Barkley, a leading ADHD expert, highlights that emotional dysregulation is a core feature of ADHD. It’s not just that we lose patience quickly; we also take longer to recover once we’re triggered. For ADHD moms, this can create a vicious cycle of guilt and frustration. We feel like we should be doing better, but when we’re caught in the emotional whirlwind, it becomes difficult to stay calm and present for our babies or kids. And then cue the guilt: “Why can't I stop losing my sh*t? I’m the worst mom ever and I never should have had kids.” This constant self-criticism only adds to the stress of an already overwhelming role.
Neurodivergent Kids Need More Structure
Now, let's talk about our babies and kids. If your child is also neurodivergent (and let’s face it, the chances are high that they are), gentle parenting alone might not meet their needs. ADHD kids, for example, often need more structure, clear boundaries, and specific tools to develop their executive function skills—things that don’t come naturally to many ADHD moms. In fact, these skills may not come naturally to us at all, which complicates our attempts to implement the gentle methods we’re trying to follow.
But parenting a neurodivergent child while navigating your own neurodivergence can create a perfect storm of challenges. Our babies and kids are still learning to regulate their emotions, communicate their needs, and manage their own sensory overload. Meanwhile, we’re also struggling with the same things. We’re trying to understand and meet our kids' needs while juggling our own challenges. And let’s be honest—sometimes it feels like the rules of the game keep changing, and no one handed us the manual.
Without understanding our own brains, it’s easy to fall into the trap of self-blame. We end up asking ourselves, “What am I doing wrong?” when the real question is, “How can I parent in a way that works for my neurodivergent family?” We’re trying to do what’s “right,” but we don’t have the tools or the strategies to manage our own neurodivergence, let alone our kids’. And this can lead to frustration, burnout, and feelings of inadequacy. It’s not that we don’t want to be good moms; we’re just exhausted from constantly trying to meet the needs of everyone around us while also navigating our own mental and emotional chaos.
It doesn’t help that society often sees “neurodivergent” as synonymous with “deficient.” As moms, we’re expected to always be calm, organized, and in control. But for us, that’s a steep uphill climb—and the pressure to perform these “norms” can make it all the more overwhelming. In trying to follow parenting strategies that don’t align with our brain's needs, we end up feeling like failures on top of everything else.
I’m only learning all of this now, and my baby is a freshman in high school. I can see clearly now where I went wrong for him. As much as I understand that it’s not my fault, I still carry a lot of guilt and regret. I spent years thinking I was just a bad mom, feeling like I wasn't doing enough, or worse, I wasn’t doing the “right” things. But it wasn’t me—it was my brain. The ways I’d been taught to parent simply didn’t align with the needs of a neurodivergent child, and in turn, I was misaligned with what he needed from me as a mom.
(Working on it.)
But mostly, I just wish I’d known better. I wish that little girls like me hadn’t been overlooked. I wish someone would have known so they could have helped me. So that I would have been better equipped to help my son. But as much as I wish for the past to have been different, I know I can still make things better now. I can still be the mom I wish I had back then. And that’s what fuels me to do the work I do today.
Navigating Postpartum with Compassion
As a new mom, you're already facing the challenges of navigating a major life transition, managing your own mental and emotional health, and adapting to the needs of a tiny human. If you're neurodivergent, this can feel like an even bigger mountain to climb. But understanding your brain better can be a game-changer, not only for you but for your whole family.
Know this
You Are Not Broken.
For too long, neurodivergent women have been misunderstood, misdiagnosed, or dismissed. Whether it’s ADHD, autism, or another neurodivergent trait, the systems in place don’t always care about us, let alone cater to our needs. But that doesn’t mean there’s something wrong with you. It just means that you need to work with your brain, not against it. You have unique strengths and ways of problem-solving that others may not understand—but that doesn’t make them any less valuable. Once you embrace and understand how your brain works, it’s easier to create strategies that fit your life and meet your needs.
Parenting as a Neurodivergent Mom Requires a Different Approach.
Gentle parenting is a beautiful approach, but it might not always work for a neurodivergent mom, especially if you're also raising neurodivergent kids. Whether it's ADHD, sensory processing disorder, or other neurodivergent traits, your child may need more structure and specific tools to help them regulate their emotions and develop their executive function skills. But here’s the tricky part: those are often the same tools you need to navigate your own life. When you’re trying to do everything “right” while also managing your own neurodivergence, it can be overwhelming.
So, rather than beating yourself up for not being able to follow the "rules," start asking yourself: How can I parent in a way that works for my neurodivergent family? That means accepting that the path to being a good mom for your family is unique to you. Your needs are just as important as your child’s, and it’s okay to need help, structure, and boundaries too.
The Postpartum Period Is Especially Hard for Neurodivergent Moms.
In the postpartum period, you’re dealing with a lot: lack of sleep, hormonal shifts, a new baby with their own needs, and the mental load of adjusting to motherhood. For neurodivergent moms, emotional regulation struggles and executive function difficulties can make this period even more challenging. Without the proper tools, everything can feel chaotic. You might feel like you're failing at parenting or constantly falling short in managing your own emotional state. But remember: this is not your fault.
ADHD and other neurodivergent conditions can cause emotional dysregulation, where we can’t bounce back from stress as quickly as others. So when your baby is crying, or you're sleep-deprived and overwhelmed, it’s normal to feel like you’re losing control. But the key is not to blame yourself. It’s about learning the right strategies for your brain and your family’s needs—and that includes asking for support when you need it.Neurodivergent Moms Are at Greater Risk for Postpartum Anxiety (PPA).
Here’s something important that I want you to remember: neurodivergent moms are at a higher risk for developing Postpartum Anxiety (PPA). The emotional intensity, lack of structure, and increased responsibility can trigger or exacerbate anxiety in moms who already have neurodivergent traits. If you're already prone to anxiety, the demands of motherhood can feel even more overwhelming. That’s why it’s so important to know the signs of PPA and get the support you need early.
Take the Next Step:
Motherhood, especially when you’re neurodivergent, can often feel like trying to keep up in a world built for someone else. It’s like being a hunter in a farmer’s world. Society expects the same kind of steady, routine-based, predictable nurturing that a farmer embodies—but you, as a neurodivergent mom, are wired more like a hunter. You adapt, you pivot, and you thrive in the chaos.
In the same way that a hunter is built to be alert, resourceful, and innovative, you too have strengths that are uniquely yours. Your mind may work differently, but that doesn’t mean it’s any less powerful. The tools and strategies that work for others may not fit your needs, and that’s okay. Embrace who you are, and lean into the resources and support that will allow you to build a motherhood experience that works for you.
And don’t forget: You are not alone. Many neurodivergent moms experience similar challenges, and there are ways to manage and enjoy motherhood without so much anxiety and overwhelm.
I invite you to take the Postpartum Anxiety Risk Assessment. This tool will help you identify potential risks for postpartum anxiety and give you a clear picture of where you stand in terms of postpartum mental health. Identifying your risks early can help you get the support you need before things escalate. Remember, you are not broken—and when you have the right information, you’re better able to be the mom you want to be for your baby.
Neurodivergent moms are at a greater risk for postpartum anxiety, but with the right strategies, you can manage the stresses and create a life that works for your family. You’ve got this, and I’m here to help you along the way.
