Perfectionism, Postpartum Anxiety, and Rage
Real talk, girlfriend. There’s no such thing as a perfect mom. I mean, I think you know that. In your heart, maybe? But definitely in your logical brain. You understand that the myth of the Supermom is just that. A myth. I know you do.
So if you know it, then why are you still trying?
I don’t say this with judgement, Mama. I say this with love. Because I get it. I see you. I was you.
For we SPICY moms—you know, the ADHDers, the Autists, the Anxious—it’s hard to ignore the (often internalized) pressure to nail the mom thing. We have, after all, spent a lifetime trying to live up to unrealistic (and often ridiculous) standards, so of course we’ll be extra when we become moms. But guess what? Those expectations you’re placing on yourself have the potential to introduce you to my old friends, postpartum anxiety (PPA) and Postpartum Rage (PPR).
Perfectionism and Postpartum Anxiety
Women often feel pressured to meet unrealistic standards in all aspects of our lives, and it only gets heavier after we have babies. We’ve got so much to contend with —“bounce back” culture, constant messages from the beauty industry that we’re not enough, the “mommy wars” pitting us against each other instead of linking hands in solidarity—everything from what kind of birth we had to who can throw the most Pinterest-worth First birthday bash—is sending us the message that we MUST do more to prove our worth.
But the really bad news about all this is that these expectations of perfection that we take on can significantly increase anxiety levels during your postpartum period.
Research suggests that perfectionism is a risk factor for the development of postpartum anxiety. Perfectionists often struggle with self-doubt, heightened sensitivity to criticism, and an overwhelming sense of responsibility, all of which are factors associated with PPA.
Taking Steps to Avoid Postpartum Anxiety
Face (and Take Down) Your Imperfection:
The first step in preparing to avoid postpartum anxiety is accepting the fact that this whole idea of perfectionism is BS. In fact, I would argue that every single one of us is, in fact, perfect, just as we are. So rather than the old adage of “no one’s perfect” I think we should be saying everyone is. Anyway, I digress.
The idea that we think we need to live up to these crazy standards is just a symptom of living in a patriarchal society. And as with all things patriarcy, the concept is used to keep you in struggle with yourself. We can’t, after all, allow all of us in our beautiful perfection actually love ourselves. We know the power that people have when they love themselves. Anyway, I digress again.
(As a recovering perfectionist, this topic really gets me going.)
Contrary to what you might believe right now, this need to be perfect, or to prove something to who knows who, is more likely absolutely going to hold you back from being the mom you want to be—and the mom your baby needs. Imperfection is a natural part of being human, motherhood included, and it's okay not to have everything figured out.
Another important thing I want you to think about, Mama, is that the more you try to be perfect, the more your children will believe they need to be perfect. Is that what we want for our babies? No. We want our babies to know that they are perfect in every bit of their imperfection.
Remember, they do as you do, not as you say.
Name your perfectionist. She’s not you. She’s just a part of you. So give her a name. And when she shows up, tell her to back off. Tell her you’re doing things your way today and she can have the day off.
When we name our parts, and separate them from our true selves, it feels much easier to take control of the situation. Trust me. I spend a lot of time talking to many parts.
Build a Support System:
Find groups online where the vibe is authenticity. Put the feelers out in local groups asking for mom friends who aren’t trying to be perfect. At the very least you’ll find solidarity. More likely, you’ll make a new friend or 2. And definitely you’ll help another mom feel less pressure to be perfect, even if just for a minute. Be vulnerable and say you are trying to break this beast inside of you, and you wonder if there are any other moms who struggle with perfectionism.
Perfectionism isn’t good for any of us, and I’m fairly certain that no one actually enjoys trying all the time to appear perfect. The more we all start to be open and honest and real with each other, the sooner we can all start focusing on what really matters to us — enjoying being moms to our amazing babies.
The other part of this is that you absolutely MUST curate your social media so it’s not filled with content creators who share unrealistic versions of motherhood, There are so many accounts out there these days that focus on the good, the bad, and the ugly of motherhood. Find those. Ditch the rest.
Surround yourself with authentic people, both in real life and virtually, who tell it like it is.
Educate Yourself:
Knowledge is power. Learn what you can about the risk factors for postpartum anxiety. When you are aware of your risk factors, you’re more likely to notice if things start to feel like too much. Learn about the symptoms of PPA and share them with your partner and friends. Oftentimes, when we are going through it, we can’t see it. So we need our postpartum team to be as informed as we are.
How to Deal with Postpartum Anxiety
Practice Self-Compassion:
Instead of trying to be perfect, practice self-compassion. Give yourself grace. Think of yourself as the little girl you once were and what she must think of the way you treat her(you.) Look in the mirror and explain to that little girl why you expect her to be perfect. I bet you can’t do it. Be as gentle with your grown up self as you wish folx had been for the little girl version of you. You know it's normal to make mistakes. Motherhood is a learning process. You will make mistakes. Many of them. And some will be big ones. Thats’ just part of what it means to be a human. Be kind to yourself.
I highly recommend you check out Dr. Kristen Neff’s work on self-compassion.
Seek Professional Help:
If prenatal or postpartum anxiety becomes overwhelming, don't hesitate to get help from a professional. Therapy and counseling can provide valuable tools to manage anxiety and develop healthier coping mechanisms. In some cases, medication can help, too.
Side note: I struggled with postpartum anxiety for years before it was diagnosed. And then I struggled for even more years because I refused to try medication. I ended up experiencing a full-blown breakdown and passed out in barnes and Noble’s toy section while my kids played. I started Lexapro a few days later, and regret evey minute I spent avoiding medication. The weight of knowing what I put my kids through when it could have been prevented is a lot, honestly. I don’t have many regrets in my life, but avoiding taking medication for my mental health is one of them.
This is not to say that I think medication is right for everyone. And I’m certainly not a doctor so I’m not givin you medical advice. But what I am saying is to consoder all options with an open-mind. And consider how your mental health affects everyone around you — namely your kids.
I’m also not saying there’s any magic pill that will work a miracle. I’ve worked really hard to get where I am today, and I started working really hard as soon as I started taking medication for my postpartum anxiety. I still work hard, every day.
My point is, yes, there is a stigma around mental health, but F that. You do not need to suffer. Help is available. You CAN feel better. You deserve to feel better.
Okay moving on from that heaviness…
Delegate Responsibilities:
Stop trying to do everything. Delegate responsibilities to your partner, family members, or friends. I know, I know, as a perfectionist no one can meet your standards.
You do realize this is part of your problem, right? I mean, I know you do. You probably have a sheepish grin when anyone in your life you calls you out for it. I wish we’d all stop bragging about personality traits that cause them to suffer. (The ability to multi-task is another one — stop bragging about it! It’s not good for you.)
Here’s where I need to mention maternal gatekeeping. This is when we as women believe that we are th eonly ones who can do anything right, and we dictate to our partners the “right way” to load the disdhawasher. And yea, I can hear you know — well there is a right way to to load the dishwasher.
No, there isn’t. Really. Promise. And you do have the ability to let go of that need. You are choosing not to.
When you overly control parenting tasks and limit your partner's involvement, you’re sending the message to your partner that all of this is your job, and down the line you’ll be really pissed that he doesn’t contribute. (Don’t mistake this for weaponized incompetence.) Maternal gatekeeping is driven by perfectionist tendencies, and can lead to or exacerbate postpartum anxiety (PPA). Maternal gatekeeping causes a ton of problems—it strains relationships, keeps you on edge, and contributes to inequitable responsibilities.
One way to help protect yourself and avoid postpartum anxiety is to come at parenting collaboratively, no matter how hard it might be for you to accept the way your partner does bath time. As soon as you can recognize that both you and your partner bring valuable perspectives and contributions to the table, you’ll begin to open up some free time for you to regroup and recharge. Learning to live with a teamwork mindset can reduce the risk of perfectionism, and will help create a healthier and more positive family energy.
You Are Enough
Perfectionism and postpartum anxiety can be a challenging combination for new moms. It’s important to recognize the impact perfectionism can have on your motherhood experience (and on your children) and to learn coping strategies for dealing with it when it rears its head. Remember, being a good mom doesn't require perfection – it only requires love, patience, and a willingness to grow.
