Attachment Parenting, ADHD, and Postpartum Anxiety
Key Takeaways:
Motherhood Can Be Overwhelming – Despite the effort to prepare, motherhood has a way of shaking us to our core. Expecting to get everything "right" often leads to neglecting our own needs and well-being.
The Pressure of Perfection – Trying to prove you’re a perfect mom can cause you to lose sight of yourself. Many moms face this, especially when dealing with past trauma or infertility struggles. It’s okay to admit you’re struggling and need help.
Attachment Parenting: Good but Not Perfect – While attachment parenting principles can be beneficial, they can also become a source of stress if you lose balance. It’s important to listen to your needs and allow space for self-care.
The Cost of Sacrificing Self-Care – Prioritizing your baby’s needs over your own can be mentally exhausting and damaging. Attachment parenting may be beneficial in some areas but can contribute to postpartum anxiety if you forget to care for yourself.
Societal Pressures and Expectations – The pressure to buy into certain products or philosophies (like expensive baby gear) can create a false idea of what it means to be a "good" mom. This can hurt your mental health and self-esteem.
The Importance of Balance – Realizing that balance is key to surviving and thriving in motherhood is a hard-earned lesson. The message here: Trust your instincts, listen to your body, and make space for your own mental well-being.
Empowering Other Moms – You can’t change the past, but by sharing your struggles, you can help others avoid the same mistakes. There is no “one way” to be a mom, and everyone’s needs should be honored.
Postpartum Anxiety is Real – It can be easy to get lost in the "doing it right" narrative, but mental health, including postpartum anxiety, can sneak up on you. Taking care of yourself is not a luxury—it’s necessary for your well-being and your child’s.
Find Your Own Path – It’s okay to adopt the parenting principles that work for you and leave the rest behind. Trust yourself, listen to your gut, and reject the societal pressures that tell you how motherhood should look.
I suffered a mid-pregnancy loss in 2008, and then, finally, after becoming pregnant via IVF after experiencing secondary infertility, I felt anxious and desperate to do everything right. It was so hard to get here, I just didn’t want to mess anything up.
Motherhood shook me in ways I had no idea anything could shake me.
I thought I was prepared.
But when our baby arrived, sh*t quickly hit the fan and I realized how unprepared for the realities of motherhood I really was.
Mothering As Something to Prove
Even before I gave birth, I felt I felt like I had to prove that I could do this, and do it well. I focused so much on getting it right that I somehow ended up missing it all.
Lots of moms feel like they lose themselves in the process of becoming a mom, but in reality I had never even known myself in the first place. Through lots of therapy, doing tons of inner child healing work, and finally (after about 7 years of struggling) adding Lexapro to my toolkit, I realized that I needed to find some balance.
I Gave Too Much of Myself
I became a mother for the first time at the age of 36. I was introduced to the concept of attachment parenting during my birth preparation class. This parenting philosophy resonated with me because it emphasizes keeping the baby close, responding to their cries, breastfeeding, and baby-wearing. However, I didn't fully consider how this would work in the real world. While attachment parenting principles do not require parents to be attached to their children all the time, I found myself struggling to balance these principles with the demands of everyday life.
As a result, I was with my baby all the time and felt guilty about even considering leaving him with anyone other than my mother. I realize now that this wasn’t healthy for me or my kiddo, as I neglected my own needs and desires. And I quicly became overwhelmed and resentful of my partner’s freedom.
Looking back, I realize that my attraction to attachment parenting may have been partly due to my previous loss of a child and my need to be the perfect mom. After all, I still blamed myself for the loss of my first son, and I felt like I had to get it right this time.
The principles of attachment parenting aligned with my desire to simplify my life and make things easier for myself as a mom.
Attachment Parenting Appeared Easier
I breastfed for many reasons, but initially what drew me to it was the fact that I didn't want to deal with the hassle of preparing and washing bottles. I used baby carriers because I found strollers to be cumbersome and inconvenient. I slept close to my baby because I didn't want to get up and go to another room to nurse during the night. I used baby-led weaning because it was simpler than buying and preparing special baby food. I even tried elimination communication because I didn't want to deal with changing diapers for years on end. These approaches worked for me, and my baby was relatively easy to care for as a result.
But There Was No Balance
Despite the benefits of attachment parenting, I recognize that I didn't find a healthy balance between attachment principles and my own needs as a person. I skipped principle 8, which involves taking care of yourself as a parent. While attachment parenting may work for some, it's important to prioritize self-care and balance as a parent.
Looking back now, I realize that the attachment parenting world is heavily dominated by privileged individuals, mostly middle to upper-class white women. This can create a lot of pressure on those of us who don't have the means to afford expensive items like $75 Bento boxes or Waldorf education. I felt like I needed to do and buy all of these things to be a good mom, even though I couldn't afford it all. It was damaging to my mental health. I even fought against taking medication for my anxiety because it didn't fit with the attachment parenting narrative.
There is a whole list of things you start believing that you’re supposed to do and buy if you want to win the "good" mom award, and looking back on that time in my life, I feel embarrassed and ashamed for putting that kind of energy out into the world.
To clarify, my 9 and 14-year-old children are pretty incredible kids and our relationship is everything I hoped it would be.
And I do credit attachment parenting principles for at least some of that.
Attachment to Attachment Parenting
However, what I didn't realize then was that attachment parenting was taking a toll on me. My attachment to attachment parenting and my lack of balance and self-care ultimately played a role in my experience with postpartum anxiety. I didn’t feel like I was worthy of time to focus on myself or my career. I was the primary caregiver and carrying the full mental load of parenthood by myself, and didn't even realize that I needed help.
Attachment parenting principles can be helpful at the beginning, but many of us never stop trying to abide by these principles, even as our children grow up. For some, motherhood becomes a subconscious competition. What I wish I knew then and what I teach my clients now is to trust your gut, listen to your instincts, and ignore the rest. You can balance the parenting principles that resonate with you with the life you want to live. I can't go back and save myself, but I sure as hell can help others learn from my mistakes.
If any part of my story resonates with you, I want to encourage you to take a moment to reflect on how you’re feeling. On my website, you’ll find a Postpartum Anxiety Risk Assessment, designed to help you identify your risk factors and take proactive steps toward support during this transformative time.
I specialize in placenta encapsulation and postpartum support for moms in South Jersey, providing services that can help you navigate postpartum with more balance and confidence. Whether you’re considering placenta encapsulation for its potential benefits or you’re in need of emotional and practical postpartum support, I’m here for you.
The Postpartum Anxiety Risk Assessment only takes a few minutes but could make a huge difference in helping you feel prepared and supported. You can find the assessment here.
