5 Tips for New Moms Who Are Struggling Postpartum

Feeling overwhelmed by postpartum life? You’re not alone. Many moms are exhausted, resentful, and trying to manage everything. If you’re dealing with sleep deprivation, constant nursing, a partner who doesn't get it, and what you think might be postpartum anxiety, here are five tips that can make things just a bit easier:

Build Your Postpartum Support Team

You’re exhausted and need support. Ask for Expect it. Demand it. No one was ever meant to do any of this alone. Society is always screaming at us about a village. But there is no village. Unfortunately, we have to build, and sometimes pay for, our own village. It’s fucked up, but it’s true.

Call that friend, hire a postpartum doula, or find someone to hang with your baby while you take some time alone. And absolutely be sure that you and your partner are on the same page regarding division of household labor. Just because you happen to be home with your baby, that doesn’t mean everything should fall on your plate. Not even close. Time “off” is important. Even 30 minutes of support can help reduce postpartum overwhelm and give you the break you deserve.

I remember telling a therapist that I literally had no time to even brush my hair most days. She insisted that meant I had postpartum depression. No bitch, I don’t have time to brush my hair because my kid is super intense, I can’t put him down without him crying he face off, and I’m extremely triggered by his crying so I spend my days and nights trying to keep him from erupting.

I needed support. I needed help. But I didn’t ask for it. I didn’t trust anyone with my intense baby. Not even my then-husband. I should have hired help. But back then I was terrified of spending money on myself. I mean, I “wasn’t working” so how could I spend that kind of money on me.

Marriage therapy is expensive. And so is divorce. Way more expensive than a postpartum doula or house cleaner or dog walker.

Don’t be like Tiff. Get the help you need.

Self-Care

I’m not talking about a day at the spa—who has time or money for that? But honestly, just 10 minutes each day without being touched or needed can make a dent. Lock yourself in the bathroom for a few deep breaths. Or to cry. Postpartum self-care is about finding those small, manageable moments of time “off” in your day. And once you’ve got that habit established, work towards more.

I don’t want you to be like me and sacrifice yourself because you don’t want to miss time with your babies. I’m divorced, largely because of the lack of equity in my relationship, and I’m literally missing my kids 50% of my life these days. Looking back, had I committed to one day per month to myself, it would have made a huge difference. But I didn’t feel like I could take that time to myself. And look where it got me.

Don’t be like Tiff. Take time alone every day. And take a big chunk of time alone on a regular basis, whatever you can manage.

Accept the Mess

Ditch the perfectionism for now. Figure out which balls are rubber and which are glass, and then drop those rubber ones. Prioritize what’s absolutely necessary and let the rest go. Reducing your postpartum anxiety might mean accepting a messier house or unfinished tasks, and that’s okay. This is all temporary.

Now is not the time for avoiding disposable cleaning products, worrying about running a full dishwasher, or folding clothes. You need to figure out what you can fully eliminate from your plate and literally stop doing it and stop worrying about it until things settle down. Basically, if no one will die or get sick or broke if you stop doing it, don’t do it.

One of the triggers for my postpartum rage was the filthy white floors in my kitchen. My kitchen that leads right into the backyard. My kitchen that at the time had white tile floors with unsealed grout. And I had two dogs. I spent a lot of time raging about my floors. My poor dogs caught the brunt of it.

Don’t be like Tiff. Either you gotta figure out a way to get that fucking floor cleaned, or you gotta stop caring about it. Because as another therapist told me, “It’s not normal to become enraged about a dirty floor.” And I get it if you’re resisting here. Because yeah, I love a clean floor. And today my kids are 10 and 15, so I have clean floors. Most of the time. Alright some of the time, but the point is, it’s all temporary. Let it go, and come back to it when your kids are bigger. It’s really hard to clean floors while you’re drowning. And remember, a clean floor is not indicative of your worth or value as a mom, or as a human.

Don’t be like Tiff. Learn to say FUCK IT to all the things you’re finding hard to manage.

Have the Hard Discussion with Your Partner

If you’re feeling resentful, it’s time for that conversation about support. Be direct—whether it’s about nighttime parenting support or taking over some of the household chores. Communicate exactly what you need, so you’re not managing everything alone. As I always tell my clients – avoiding the conversation will lead to bigger problems down the road. Whatever discomfort or fear you have about having the talk now will be nothing compared to the issues that will come up if you don't.

And no, just because he works outside of the home and has to wake up and get out of the house does not give him a free pass to sleep all night through. Sorry, you both made this baby, and you both get to parent them, too. Newsflash — even if you’re not earning a paycheck, you work. It’s unpaid work, yes, but how would your family function without it?

Don’t be like Tiff. I avoided these tough conversations because I was so afraid of conflict. Looking back, I wish I’d at least tried to communicate through writing. I had my first when smartphones weren’t even a thing yet, so video essaging wasn’t an option for me, but it is for you. Do not feel bad about using alternative forms of communication if that’s what works best for your brain. Have the tough conversations any way you can.

Let Go of Supermom Expectations

You are not a bad mom because you’re struggling. The myth that you need to (or should even be able to) 'do it all' is toxic and rooted in capitalist and patriarchal ideals. Whether you’re breastfeeding around the clock, navigating sleep deprivation, or feeling the pressure to 'bounce back,' remember that these unrealistic standards are designed to make you feel like you're not enough. But you are already doing an amazing job, despite a system that doesn’t support you.

You are enough. Exactly as you are.

Don’t be like Tiff. Don’t wait around hoping that things will change. Things will not change on their own. You need to do something. And you need to do something now.

There are steps you can take to help yourself have a more fulfilling, less isolating, and more empowered fourth trimester. Reach out if you’re struggling. I’m always here and happy to help you avoid making the mistakes I made. 💛

Stick Around!

If this resonates, join me for the weekly support group I’m hosting for neurodivergent and anxiety-prone moms. We’re real, we’re raw, and we’re here for each other.

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