Postpartum Tips for Neurodivergent Moms
When I was pregnant with my October baby in 2009, I imagined baby giggles, family photos in a pumpkin patch, and my happy baby on Santa’s lap. But there was nothing dreamy about my transition to motherhood.
I was diagnosed as AuDHD last year, right around my 49th birthday. So when I was a new mom, I had no idea that the way I might experience early motherhood was going to be anything but typical.
After all, I had my sh*t together. I had my routine down, used to-do lists religiously, and I was never anything but early. I was IN CONTROL, damn it.
But as anyone who’s had a baby knows, as soon as you become a mom, all those carefully constructed systems dissolve into chaos.
I was completely blindsided by my postpartum experience. I couldn’t grasp the idea that motherhood meant being constantly needed by someone every minute of every day for the rest of my life — that’s how it felt at the time, anyway. No time alone. Always worried about the next time he’d need to nurse or nap, wanting nothing but to have an hour alone but if I had it I couldn’t relax anyway, so I never even bothered trying.
I didn’t know what to do. I didn’t feel present in my own body or in my own life. I loved this baby to the depths of my core, but everything just hit differently. I couldn’t deal with my sensory responses to the sounds, textures and smells of new motherhood. I couldn’t handle the sound of my baby’s cries. So I spent day and night doing everything I could to keep him from crying. I researched everything obsessively because I was terrified I’d do something wrong and mess up my kid. Everything just felt so important. And I mean everything. So instead of being the connected, happy, and calm mom I’d imagined, I was barely hanging on by a thread and not really enjoying much of any of it.
And I couldn’t wrap my head around why I was unable to handle the demands of being a new mom the way everyone else could. The smallest things would set me off: the lighting in the room, my dog’s nails on click-clacking on the floors, my then-husband’s snoring. Everything demanded my attention all at once, and my mind was constantly “on.” I was living in a constant state of fight or flight and a persistent sense of dread. I could never turn my brain off, couldn’t let anything go, and couldn’t understand why I felt so ungrounded.
Looking back, I recognize these feelings as signs of my neurodivergence showing up in full force. But at the time, I just felt like a big old failure at life and motherhood. I felt like all of a sudden I was alone in a strange world that suddenly felt too loud, chaotic, and demanding.
Invisible Labor and Neurodivergent Processing
There’s a unique weight to the invisible labor of neurodivergent motherhood. Our brains pay attention to everything; we’re constantly organizing, planning, and adjusting. We do it so seamlessly, that no one knows we’re even doing it. For neurodivergent moms, the mental load isn’t about forgetting things, but being overwhelmed by the never-ending, running checklist we can’t switch off, and the need we have to check it all off.
Trying to manage every task, remember feeding times, do the laundry, feed yourself, and organize the day gets heavy fast. With so much going on in our minds as it is, adding in all these new roles of caregiver, nurse, and protector becomes too much. Without the skills we need to help ourselves, we get trapped in a game of beat-the-clock that we know we can never win. And without the words to explain what’s happening, we’re unable to get the support we need.
Relationship Shifts
Figuring out early motherhood as a neurodivergent mom can also make maintaining relationships extra hard. My then-husband, also undiagnosed ADHD at the time, wanted to support me, but since I had set no boundaries for myself and lacked any sort of effective communication skills, our relationship began to deteriorate fast. Unfortunately, we ended up pegging each other as the enemy and resentment entered our relationship soon after our baby did.
Strategies and Coping Mechanisms for Neurodivergent Moms Postpartum
Here are some of the tools I wish I’d known about to help manage postpartum anxiety and sensory overload as a neurodivergent mom:
Setting Boundaries and Building a Routine
Neurodivergent people tend to thrive on structure, even if it’s minimal. While full routines aren’t usually possible in the first weeks and months of parenthood, setting up mini-routines can give you a framework for each day without the stress of rigidity. A short morning and evening routine—even a five-minute break locked alone in the bathroom to regroup—can help you feel more centered.
Managing Sensory Overload
Sensory overload can be a huge challenge for us spicy moms, so find ways to turn down the noise. Noise-canceling headphones and earplugs should be on every pregnant mom’s baby registry! Create sensory-friendly spaces at home, and practice grounding techniques like running cold water on your wrists or walking outside barefoot. Strategies like these can help reduce the intensity of sensory reactions.
Managing Executive Function
Executive functioning will likely take a hit, so use tools that can help offload cognitive demand. Lighten your load, prioritize the glass balls and let the rubber ones drop. Use visual schedules, to-do lists, and apps to remind you of the important things. Use your phone for reminders as much as possible to give your mind a break from having to hold it all.
Finding Support and Asking for Help
Admitting that you actually don’t have your sh*t together is hard, I know. There’s a lot of shame and guilt attached to motherhood — neurodivergent motherhood, in particular. Reaching out may feel icky, but it’s important. Connecting with other neurodivergent moms, even if only online, can be incredibly validating.
Mindfulness and Self-Compassion
Mindfulness and self-compassion are key. Check-in with yourself regularly, and remind yourself it’s okay to feel what you’re feeling. You are not broken. There’s nothing wrong with you. You are a good mom. You probably just need to slow down, rest, and figure out how to do things differently. Be kind to yourself. Your baby is always watching.
Mom As You Are
If there’s one thing I’ve learned, it’s that motherhood is as much about mothering ourselves as it is about mothering our children. As neurodivergent moms, we have to get to know ourselves, so that we can write our own rules, and live our lives the way that works for us. Sometimes that means lots of little tweaks, and sometimes it means a big overhaul. Either way, there’s no shame in rejecting ‘normal’ mom expectations. In fact, I believe that’s how we’ll begin to heal the world.
Mom As You Are.
