A SPICY Mom’s Guide to Surviving the Holidays
Fifteen Christmases ago, on the day before Christmas Eve, I wasn’t panicked—I was pissed. Not because I hadn’t bought gifts (I hadn’t). Not because we didn’t have a tree yet (we didn’t). I was pissed because I had to do all the things, even though it felt impossible and my heart wasn’t in it.
I had given birth in October, and, unbeknownst to me, I was battling a pretty severe case of postpartum anxiety and rage. I was also ADHD and autistic, though I didn’t know that yet, either.
All I knew was that I hadn’t slept in months, my house was a mess, I could barely manage to shower, and I wanted absolutely nothing to do with the holidays.
I sent my then-husband—who didn’t seem to care if anything holiday-related happened—out alone for a tree. When he got back, I left my very clingy, bottle-refusing baby for the first time since birth to go on a last-minute shopping spree. I think I got all the shopping done in under two hours that year, and I’m sure no one got anything good.
My in-laws were coming over the next day, on Christmas Eve morning, followed by dinner with my other in-laws that night. I was drowning in anxiety, stressing about the mess that was my previously immaculate and organized home, and preparing food for our guests. My husband kept telling me it didn’t matter, everyone said gifts and food weren’t necessary…no one cared, no one expected anything… but I did.
Christmas Eve dinner was a nightmare. I spent the entire meal standing, bouncing a crying baby, while everyone else laughed, drank wine, and enjoyed their food. Eventually, I ended up outside in the cold, pacing the sidewalk with my baby in a carrier, my boob in his mouth, and tears running down my face.
This was not the first Christmas as a mom I had dreamt of.
Looking back, I wish I’d bailed on the holidays that year. I wish I’d unapologetically said “no” to all of it.
So, if this is your first holiday season as a new mom, here’s a suggestion: skip the performance this year.
1. Say No Like Your Sanity Depends on It (Because It Does)
If an event, task, or tradition feels like too much, say no.
Not “let me think about it.” Not “maybe.” Just no.
Saying no might look like:
Not hosting anything. Period.
Skipping the family dinner that gives you anxiety just thinking about it.
Opting out of gift exchanges because you don’t have the time (or the energy or the money) to shop.
Sure, some folx might be upset. And I’m sorry (not sorry), but that’s not your problem. Especially when, as a neurodivergent mom, you’re already at an increased risk for postpartum anxiety. Your mental health is more important than Aunt Karen’s feelings. She’ll have to get over it. You’ll be back next year. (Maybe.)
2. Set Boundaries Around Your Time and Space
The holidays have a way of stealing time you don’t have. New moms, especially us neurodivergent or anxious types, don’t need to spend any time meeting other people’s expectations. Boundaries must be your new best friend.
Here’s how to set them:
Time Limits: “We can only stay for an hour—then we need to get the baby home for bed.”
Hosting Rules: “You’re welcome to visit, but only for an hour. I’m not preparing food, though.”
Mental Load Reductions: “I’m not planning or organizing anything this year. Someone else will need to handle it.”
Boundaries are not negotiations. State them early and clearly -– and move on.
3. Take a Pass on Anything That Drains You
Holiday traditions are not requirements—they’re optional. If something stresses you out more than it brings you joy, skip it.
And be sure to give some thought to any traditions you’re considering. Elf on the Shelf? Candy cane gardens? A different advent calendar activity every day? These ideas are adorable and so tempting when you picture the memories they’ll create. But take a minute to ask yourself: Do I actually have the bandwidth for this—not just this year, but for years to come?
Now look, I’m not telling you not to do this stuff if you love doing it. If planning daily Elf escapades or making DIY decorations is your jam and it doesn’t stress you out, go big! But before getting started, take a good, hard look at who you are, what your needs are, and whether these traditions align with your values and energy levels.
Because kids love consistency, and what starts as something you’re proud to share on your socials can, over time, turn into a permanent annual expectation that just brings you a lot of stress. Be honest with yourself about what you’ll want to be able to maintain a decade from now, with potentially more kids, more chaos, and less energy.
Instead, consider simpler traditions that are just as meaningful but require less from you:
A single family movie night with popcorn and cocoa.
A holiday light drive. Play holiday music, wear your PJs, and bring along some mugs of hot chocolate.
Hanging one special ornament on the tree each year.
Keep it simple for as long as possible. Your future self (and your kids, who will remember the joy and not a stressed-out mom) will thank you.
Things you might want to ditch:
Sending holiday cards. They’re wasteful, anyway.
Pinterest-worthy decorating (or decorating at all). Your baby won’t notice.
Buying gifts for anyone who isn’t your baby. It’s okay to skip this year. Really.
4. Delegate It or Drop It
You’re not the CEO of holiday cheer. You’re a new mom; your brain and hands (and heart) are full. If something needs doing, have someone else do it—or just drop it.
Gift Shopping: Let your partner handle it or just do gift cards.
Cooking: Order takeout or let someone else host.
Decorating: If it doesn’t bring you joy, don’t do it.
5. Focus on Rest, Connection, and What Matters to You
Strip the holidays down to the bare-bones basics and only do what matters to you. Take a minute to focus on your personal and family values. If what’s stressing you out doesn’t align with your values, let it go.
Here are some out-of-the-box options that might make you feel a tad bit uncomfortable at first, but will help you alleviate some of the holiday stress:
Tone it Down: Snuggle with your baby and your partner by the light of some candles instead of a tree. Play holiday music and drink some hot chocolate.
Take the Day Off: Send your partner with the baby to visit family while you stay home and do nothing.
Skip the gift wrap. Use gift bags or skip the wrapping altogether—your baby won’t care, and you’ll save time, money, and waste less.
Say yes to easy. Store-bought cookies, delivery meals, or even letting someone else handle gift shopping entirely—it’s all fair game this year.
Your Holiday, Your Way
You deserve an amazing Christmas—a holiday season that feels joyful, meaningful, and manageable. And it’s okay if this Christmas is anything but typical. It doesn’t need to look like anyone else’s. The only thing your baby needs is you—a mom who’s present, at peace, and taking care of herself, too.
So give yourself permission to say no, to set boundaries, to skip the stress, and to keep it simple. Slow down, protect your energy, and leave the rest for another year—or not at all.
This holiday season can be as unique as you are, and that’s more than enough. ❤️
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